Snooping through your partner’s social media is not the way to figure out if you can trust them or not, guys.
Navigating relationships can be tough, and sometimes (okay, most of the time) hindsight is 20/20.
So we asked the BuzzFeed Community what things they learned about being in a relationship in 2017 that they wish they’d known sooner.
Here’s all the awesome things they had to say!
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Trust your gut, but don’t let past relationships impact your current one.
“Believe your partner when they say they love you for the first time. Just because things haven’t gone like this before, doesn’t mean it isn’t real now.”
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Just because someone seems ~perfect~, doesn’t mean they’re perfect for you.
“Even though a person may seem perfect on paper, and check everything off of your ‘list’, it still doesn’t mean you two are soulmates.”
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And searching for a “fairytale relationship” just isn’t realistic.
“Perfection isn’t real or realistic — and if you feel like you have to be perfect with someone, or have to change yourself to get to that, it’s probably not meant to be.”
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Don’t invade your partner’s personal privacy in order to find out if you can trust them or not.
“Building trust, takes trust.”
—Lynne Carpenter, Facebook
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But don’t ignore the red flags.
“I ignored so many red flags and hunches during my two most significant relationships, and both of them ended up erupting into volatile, borderline abusive situations. I wish I had just trusted myself and heeded the warnings. Always listen to your intuition.”
—Camille Michelle Gray, Facebook
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A healthy, loving relationship isn’t supposed to hurt you over and over again.
“Being with someone shouldn’t be a constant struggle to please them; it should feel like coming home. I had to learn this the hard way, but the person I am with now was worth all of it. I feel more myself when I am with him, than when I’m with anyone else.”
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You can get into a relationship with people who have different interests and opinions from you.
“Look, pineapple on pizza is an opinion. Whether refugees should be allowed basic care is a moral issue and value, not an opinion. You can be in a happy relationship with someone who has different opinions than you. However, it may be tough with someone who has differing morals and values.”
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And actions speak louder than words.
“Sweet nonsense is superficial and really means nothing if there are no actions to back them up. Nice people aren’t actually ~nice people~ when they don’t treat you right.”
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There will always be people who have negative things to say about your partner and your relationship.
“I️ wish I️ knew that not everyone wishes you the best and there will always be people who have something pessimistic to say about your relationship. While you should always trust your instincts, relationships are hard as it is, and you don’t need other people telling you what to do or how to feel.”
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But, if everyone in your life doesn’t like your S.O., it could be a major sign.
“If a majority of people in your life don’t like your significant other, maybe you should at least hear them out and listen to their reasoning.”
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And look, maybe don’t get back together with your awful ex.
“Be wary of getting back together with your ex and don’t fall into their ‘I’ve changed’ trap. Exes are exes for a reason.”
“Taking your ex back is like trying to put poop back up your butt.”
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Don’t compare your relationship to the stuff you read in books or watch on TV.
“Quit comparing your relationship to your friend’s relationships, or the shit you see online or on TV. It’s just not realistic, and it’s unhealthy to put those expectations on yourself and your partner. Relationships are not a competition and setting the bar that ridiculously high will only lead to resentment and disappointment.”
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And know that you may be on a different timeline than other couples, and that’s okay.
“I wish I’d known that my relationship isn’t wrong for fitting a different timeline than those around me! I moved in with my partner after a year and a half and was constantly worried that other people would judge us for the pace of our relationship. However, I couldn’t be happier and that’s all that matters.”
—Chloë Erin Tobin-Kemmer, Facebook
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Understand that caring for yourself is NOT selfish.
“Caring about yourself is necessary! Same with needing attention! You work so hard, honey. You deserve all the extra loving.”
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Remember, your body is beautiful and is not an object made to please someone else.
“Never continue dating a someone who has negative things to say about your body or your appearance. They’re not worth it.”
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Don’t make someone your priority, if it’s obvious they won’t do the same for you.
“Don’t make someone your priority when you’re only an option to them. In college, I was IN LOVE with this guy who lived on the other side of the city. I’m talking about a 45 minute drive, ONE WAY, without traffic in order to see him. He was always up for me coming to see him, but any time I asked him to make the drive to see me, he said it was too far and that I should just come up to see him. Took me way too long to figure out this guy was an absolute dick and not worth it.”
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And know that you can’t change how someone feels about you, and that you should be with someone who appreciates you for who you are.
“You can’t change someone’s mind about whether they like you or not, and trying to do so is only a waste of your time. You’re not something to be settled for. Whoever is with you should feel lucky to have the opportunity to be with you.”
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It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to stand up for yourself.
“Know that its not normal for your partner to specifically do things to you that you told him make you feel uncomfortable. In fact, it’s the opposite. Emotional and sexual abuse is never okay. Never.”
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And never stay with someone who does things to teach you a lesson or punish you.
“If your significant other does things to ‘punish’ you, get out of that relationship ASAP. That behavior should not be tolerated and it may not get better.”
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Always make quality time with your partner a priority.
“Quality time is crucial, and sometimes that means doing things together besides Netflix and chilling. It makes the relationship deeper, more exciting, and helps you get to know the fantastic person sitting next to you.”
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And if you’re both really busy, it’s okay to plan some awesome date nights at home.
“Never take a quiet night at home for granted — a good board game or a catch-up session on the couch with a blanket and some wine. We get so busy sometimes that staying in can be so much more fun and relaxing than planning a night out.”
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People hurt in different ways and can love more than once.
“If your ex moved on before you that doesn’t mean they never loved you or you aren’t worthy of being loved. People show their pain in different ways. You will find someone new too. And it’s okay if it takes a little bit longer than other people. Stay positive and remember you are beautiful and worth it.”
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And last but not least, it’s okay to want to be in a relationship, but try not to spend so much time stressing out about it.
“There’s no shame in admitting you want a relationship, but try not to obsess over it! Enjoy being single and take more time with yourself, your family, and your friends. I wish I told myself to not be so desperate for a relationship. It really wasn’t healthy.”
NBC / Via tenor.com
Responses have been edited for length and clarity.
Keep in mind that in a relationship where physical, emotional, or substance abuse is an issue, seeking professional help is essential. If you’ve experienced any of these, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233, or the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration (SAMHSA), 1-877-726-4727, for help.